Hunger is not a rational feeling. It is not sensible and deliberate, like determination, nor is it calming and smooth, like patience . Hunger races through you with a megaphone and steel-toed boots, relentless and frenzied, until it is eventually satiated and put to bed. It does not bring out the best in us (hello? Donner party?); hunger will not give in until it wins. Simply put, hunger sucks.
And, in related stories, a girl will do desperate things for cake.
This past weekend, Greg and I traveled to western Maryland to celebrate the recent wedding of a close girlfriend. With us was my college roommate (hi, Katie!) and her boyfriend (hi, Tim!), with whom we were sharing a hotel room and bar tab. Despite the less-than-stellar weather and long drive, we spent the day in the company of good friends, cold beer, and BBQ chicken. Not a terrible way to spend a Saturday, by most standards.
As many of the guests had arrived from out of town, a plan was hatched to continue the celebration at the hotel bar. Unfortunately, the kitchen was closed, and after several hours at the bar and even more time passing since our early dinner, stomachs began rumbling and hunger pangs surfaced.
Hunger is enough to make anyone cranky. Take 2 women who have already faced uncooperative hair and spent all day in mild discomfort from their so-f’ing-tight-but-damn-my-ass-looks-great jeans and highest heals, and the addition of an empty belly leads to a state of emergency. Drastic measures needed to be taken, and another beer was not the answer. We needed food, not of the cocktail garnish variety, and quickly.
Because I am generous and kind, I will share with you the appropriate course of action to take if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1. Take note of the large wedding being held in the hotel’s central courtyard. Open bar! Music! Dancing! CAKE! Ignore the fact that you have not been invited. This is just a formality.
2. Catch the eye of your equally mischevious and hungry girlfriend, who has also noticed the dessert buffet. Game on.
3. Return to your room, being careful to scope out all major exits and entrances to said courtyard.
4.Change into a party dress and freshen up. At this point, it is appropriate to feel vindicated that you have won the argument with your significant other to pack half of your closet. It is always good to be prepared, yes?
5. With the utmost confidence, stroll into the courtyard and the other wedding. You are now officially wedding crashers.
4. Chat with the bartender. Smile at other guests and look like you belong. Stake out a corner of the dance floor and do a little two-step. Help yourself to coffee and cake.
5. Wave at the guests from the wedding you were actually invited to, who are watching from the huge windows in the bar. Revel in their awe and appreciation. You rock.
6. Be sure to sign the guestbook. It is the polite thing to do.
7. Join your fellow guests back in the bar, where you will be greeted with applause and jealousy. After all, you’ve got the cajones AND the cake now.
8. Remind yourself, yet again, how important it is to surround yourself with girlfriends just as naughty as you are.
Perhaps an equally appropriate plan would be to keep a granola bar in your purse for hunger emergencies, but honestly, where’s the fun in that?